


I'm Sorry

by ModernBookFae



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 17:17:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10858515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ModernBookFae/pseuds/ModernBookFae
Summary: After the war against Hybern has been won Cassian finds himself looking up the stairs to where Nesta has hidden herself away from the world. Before he leaves the town house he hears something that stops him in his tracks. He follows the noises until he reaches the source. But what can Cassian do to comfort Nesta who feels guilt-ridden with everything she has done to those closest to her?





	I'm Sorry

The scent of citrus and the sea brought ease to Cassian’s weary body. He could hear merchants in the markets going about their business below Rhysand and Feyre’s town house. A group of children ran by laughing until their voices faded down the street.

 

Fighting in the war had resulted in this peace. Velaris was spared of Hybern and his forces.

 

But Cassian knew that with every war there was always loss. He held in a groan of pain as he rose from the chair beside the open window. Some days his injured wings caused him more trouble than he bargained for. Which currently led him to be put on temporary leave of his troops by Rhysand’s orders.

 

It infuriated Cassian to no end. He should be with his soldiers. Helping them recover from the war both emotionally and physically. Their army had dwindled considerably. Friends, brothers and sisters were lost to the battle. 

 

_And I should have gone with them to whatever awaited them after death. If **she** didn’t call me back. Screaming my name as if her life depended on it._

 

Cassian glanced up the staircase. Nesta had not come downstairs once since they disbanded the war-camp. The last he saw of her was right after Amren made that morbid joke about Hybern’s head as a trophy on Nesta’s wall.

 

He didn’t dare look at her. Not after everything that had happened. How could he when he should have made sure to protect Nesta better?  To save her own father from being killed right in front of her eyes.

 

He didn’t blame her for what happened. But that still didn’t stop the guilt rolling in his stomach.

 

Pathetic didn’t even begin to describe what Cassian internally felt. He was weak when he should have been strong. Even now he was too much of a coward to approach Nesta days after he had been pulled away by Mor with Azriel to find drinks to celebrate their victory. 

 

For hours upon hours Cassian’s ears remained tuned to the door that he knew Nesta had last went through. He barely heard any noises coming from her room. It was almost as though she wasn’t even there. Even as the Inner Circle, which had grown a few members, enjoyed their time together with laughs and stories Nesta never came down to join them.

 

_It’s because she needs space. She’s not ready yet._

 

Those words repeated in his head constantly. Excuses that pinned his feet to the first step on the staircase, but never further.

 

Even as a slight tugging in his chest tempted him to go up. A faint pull in that would often make him feel as though his knees would give out.

 

Today he decided to head out of the house and do some shopping. Perhaps make a meal for when Rhysand, Feyre and the others returned from their own little trips in Velaris. He didn’t imagine they would be back for hours. Giving him plenty of time to find supplies and cook up dinner.

 

The house would be vacant while he was gone. Except of course Nesta. But considering how she never left her room it was almost as if she wasn’t here.

 

But Cassian could always sense her presence. Even if it was the smallest of reminders such as her scent or the memory of her lips on his in what Cassian had assumed would be the last moment they would have together.

 

Even though he wanted an eternity filled with moments together. He never imagined it would have been a possibility as Hybern readied to strike them down. 

 

And Nesta refused to abandon him even if it cost her everything. She would lay down her life to protect him until the very end.

 

Perhaps that is what scared Cassian more than anything. That Nesta cared for him enough to die with him. That she would rather do so than live another moment if he wasn’t in existence.  

 

Immediately Cassian shook away those thoughts and went straight to the entryway leading to the streets outside. He didn’t want to consider what it meant. How Nesta had slowly come to-

 

No! Cassian didn’t deserve whatever conclusion that could mean. A bastard like him couldn’t possibly dream of obtaining something so precious. This aching in his chest that felt tethered to the female who he stood with on the battlefield against Hybern. The same female who he kissed, because he believed that he wouldn’t have the chance in this life.

 

 Nesta – who refused to leave him behind and shielded him with her own body in what they thought were their final moments together. That she would rather die than live another second without him…that frightened Cassian more than anything. Knowing that she cared for him so strongly. And dare he say it – love him.

 

His hand almost reached the door. Determined to get out of this house before his thoughts drove him mad with want that could never be fulfilled.

 

But then his ears picked up a noise upstairs.

 

At first Cassian thought it was his imagination. Except he recognized that sound. He had heard it plenty of times when soldiers were overcome with the grief of their pain and fallen brothers sisters. Or the families that lost a son or a daughter that could never be returned to them.

 

His legs carried him across the foyer and slowly up the staircase until he reached the floor where he knew the noises were coming from.

 

He stood outside the door. _Her door._

His hand braced against the wooden frame as another sob leaked out from the bedroom.

 

Cassian clenched his eyes shut. Barely managing to keep himself from shuddering against the only thing dividing him and a distraught Nesta.

 

She was murmuring words. Apologies cleaved from her soul.

 

Her mother and father both received an apology. Along with the other souls that had died during the war. Nesta was ashamed that she couldn’t have done more to spare them.

 

Elain and Feyre were next. How Nesta would never forgive herself for not being strong enough to protect her little sisters.

 

Just as Cassian opened the door he froze at the words that spilled from Nesta’s mouth.

 

“I’m sorry Cassian,” She her arms were wrapped around her knees as she sat on the floor facing away from the door. Her body huddled against the wall and shaking as sobs wracked her body. “I’m so sorry for everything I’ve said and done to hurt you. I never meant-”

 

And her cry sounded as if she was in pain. Her hand covered her eyes as if she could hold back the tears that were already streaming down her face in hot trails.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Each time she repeated the words they became weaker as her breath became shakier with the emotions that were drowning her.

 

It was too much. Cassian quietly strode across the bedroom while taking a quilt off the bed as he closed the distance.

 

Then he gently wrapped the blanket around her shoulders. Immediately Nesta stiffened. Though her labored breathing and pounding heart gave away what had transpired moments ago. Let alone the scent of overwhelming grief that radiated from her near trembling form.

 

“Nesta,” Cassian began. His tone soft as he tried to come up with the right words to say.

 

“What is it?” Nesta asked not turning to face him. Her voice was much more steadier than it had been moments ago, but there was still a quiver to it.

 

Cassian thought long and hard. He opened his mouth only to shut it again with his mind failing him on what he should do to make this better.

 

To make Nesta feel better. Because she was not at fault.

 

Cassian blinked. That was it. The truth was what she needed.

 

“It’s not your fault Nesta,” Cassian said kneeling down beside her, but she shifted her head away. Hiding her tears as best she could from him.

 

But crying wasn’t a weakness. And he had to get that through to her.

 

“You’re not to blame for what happened in the war,” Cassian reached for her and gently began to rub small circles into the tense muscles at her back. “Do you understand Nesta? None of it was your fault.”

 

“I should have done better,” she whispered. “If I had just done more then other lives would have been saved.”

 

“We _all_ did everything that we could,” Cassian leaned closer. “And we’ll have those same feelings of doubt, but nothing will change the past. Now we have to work toward a brighter tomorrow.”

 

Nesta bit her bottom lip. Trying to stop another sob from escaping.

 

“And I’m sorry too,” Cassian continued. His tone soft and pleading. “I should have protected you Nesta. I promised and I failed you again.”

 

At this Nesta turned her head toward him. Her eyes red and watery from tears that were already shed.

 

“But – I don’t understand,” Nesta narrowed her eyes in confusion. “Last I remember you fought against Hybern for everyone. You don’t owe me anything Cassian.”

 

He watched her closely. Noticing the flicker of pain and something else darting across her blue eyes before it was gone.

 

“Nesta-”

 

“It’s fine Cassian,” Nesta shrugged off his touch. His fingers hanging in the empty air between them.

 

Her tone was dismissive. Clearly not wanting to continue the conversation.

 

Cassian’s hand tightened and his arm fell to his side. An ache in his chest made him know that something else was wrong. A deep instinctive part that was telling him that there was something he was missing. Yet he couldn’t quite place it.

 

Though he could have swore a thread was barely there. Pulling him to Nesta.

 

But that had to be his imagination. Wasn’t it?

 

“At least let’s get you to bed,” Cassian murmured and lifted Nesta up with ease. He had carried her before the war. And to his shock she was even lighter than usual. A sign that she had been indeed skipping meals in her depressed state.

 

“Put me down!” Nesta exclaimed in surprise and squirmed in his arms to break free of his firm hold.

 

Without another word Cassian put her to bed. Making sure she was underneath the covers though in her rage she tried to push them off.

 

“STOP!” Nesta snatched his hand that had been getting ready to grab the last blanket. “I didn’t ask for this! And I certainly didn’t ask for _you_ to be the one doing this!”

 

Cassian stilled.

 

“And what exactly is _this_ ,” he gestured to the bed. “Tell me Nesta. Because all I see is me trying to help you when you clearly need it.”

 

“I said I didn’t want this,” Nesta snapped back. Tears threatening to fall again.

 

“Then that’s too bad,” Cassian crossed his arms. His feet splayed in a casual battle stance. “Because I’m going to help you whether you like it or not. And you can keep bickering with me as well, but that’s not going to stop me.”

The look she gave him would have sent most of his warriors flying away in fear. Yet Cassian would not yield. Not with this.

 

“I’m going to leave to get supplies for dinner,” Cassian strode to the door. “When I get back you are going to eat something. You look like a fragile twig that will blow away on a gust of wind.”

 

Nesta just snarled at him as he left the room.

 

But hours later after Cassian returned and cooked a meal she was sleeping inside her room when he carried a tray up the stairs. He placed the small dinner on her bedside table and sat at the edge of the bed.

 

Cassian could see fresh tear tracks on her cheek as she slept. He brushed away the stains with his calloused fingers and released a sigh of frustration.

 

He had messed up so badly in the past few weeks. If he had simply walked up the stairs to check on her earlier then perhaps she wouldn’t have fallen to such a state.

 

But that was going to change today. He remained in her room making sure she slept peacefully and drawing the curtains so it was a bit darker in the room so that she could rest easily.

 

Everyday following he would take meals to her room. Making sure she would eat every bite before removing the dishes and offering her a flight around the city. And each day she refused is offer. Over time Cassian could see though that her eyes considered it more and more each day. Soon he imagined she would accept a special Illyrian tour through the skies.

 

Until then he wasn’t giving up.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't be afraid to comment or join in on [tumblr](http://modernbookfae.tumblr.com)!


End file.
